The tl;dr version of the article is this: men who practice abstinence and talk about it end up in sexually unfulfilled marriages where they can't talk about sex and end up being unhappy about it. It's a gross over-simplification of the rather short article, so do read it. It's interesting.
I want to say that this article was respectful and it about went this with a more open mind than expected, so I'm pretty happy about that. But I didn't really like it. Forget that they come out saying that abstinence is bad--the issue for me is that they look at a group of guys who got sex wrong.
"[T]o these men, sex is both sacred and beastly...[The] respondents had been told, since they were young, that women were nonsexual. At the same time, these men had also been taught that their wives would be available for their pleasure. It’s a double standard that’s in line with longstanding cultural ideals of the relationship between femininity and purity."These are Christian guys, so I think it's same to assume the church taught them that.
These guys also felt upset because they
"could no longer reach out to their support networks due to their own ideals of masculinity. They had been promised a sacred gift: a sexually active, happy marriage. Yet many weren’t fully satisfied, as evidenced by the continued tension between the sacred and beastly. However, to open up about these continued struggles would be to admit failure as masculine, Christian man."Now, I'm really unqualified to actually speak to this, but what I keep hearing for godly, married people, pastors, my parents, and the Bible is that sex isn't a bad thing. It's not dirty, it's not shameful, it's not evil--it's a beautiful consummation of two peoples, both in body and soul that, in the context of marriage, is right and awesome in God's eyes. There's a whole book dedicated to it that, from what I understand, in the English translations is the G version of a much sexier book. It's certainly sacred, but I wouldn't say beastly.
I can't speak to how we as Christians should talk about sex in marriage. Women, we talk with our gal pals about it? Men, do you guys chat about it over beer? I have no idea. I figure that marriage couples should talk to each other about it, if something isn't right, yes? But honestly, I have no idea. I'll figure that out when I get there, but I figure that in some regards, talking is healthy, yeah?
Now, I could go on and on and ramble about my thoughts on the matter, but frankly, I think Tim Keller of Redeemer Presbyterian in New York explains my thoughts much better than I could. It's a 42-minute sermon, but it's beautiful and well worth a listen whether you're single, married, co-habitating, whatever.
But what I'm getting at is that I think these guys found sex to be unfulfilling because they came at it the wrong way. They were raised to think that it's a shameful, "beastly" thing, something good people can't talk about in marriage, and I don't think that's true. It's created by God which means it must be good. It also means it can, and has been, perverted. But just because sex has been perverted doesn't mean that when it's done the way God intended it to be, that it's bad.
What is harmful about abstinence is when we think sex is "beastly." I think that when we see sex as something beautiful, sacred, good, and from God and go into abstinence wanting to to honor God, our spouse, and sex the way God created it to be that while abstinence will be hard, that it will be worth it. I'm not saying that sex inside marriage will be perfect--from what I've heard that's not the case, but I think that it can be, should be, and is fulfilling when done the right and God honoring way.
Sorry if this has been awkward, but as I walked away from my computer to make lunch, these thoughts stuck with me and I felt like sharing them.
Cheers.
