"Transformers 3" Review

Spoilers. Yeah. LOTS of them. I mean, just close the window, like, right now.

So, as I’m watching the latest and greatest Michael Bay explosion spectacular with one of my best friends and as we continue through the fog of computer simulated war I can’t help but think that there are so many great ways to open up this review. I could open with Leonard Nemoy as a baddie – when did this happen? Are you out of your Vulcan mind? – or how I felt like standing up mid-film and saluting – so much…Americaness! – or how awesome the robot fights were – dude, DUDE, I will cover how awesome they were later because I can’t do it in this little opening bit – or, one of my personal favorites, how very, VERY, VEEERRY sexy the sound of the Ferrari 458 Italia is. Yes, I could have opened up with any one of those, but instead I will start out saying this:

Oh, McVillain, or the artist formerly known as McDreamy. I must say: I was pleasantly surprised when I realized that Patrick Dempsey wasn’t just Sam’s rival, but a minor baddie. He wasn’t just some annoying creep that was hitting on Sam’s new girl, but a real, live, actual bad guy in the movie that had to be dealt with! I mean, he enabled the Decepticons to destroy Chicago in their plot! Brilliant! Who knew that McDreamy could become McBaddie? I LOVED it. I loved him. Bad, but still quite sexy. Ah, Patrick Dempsey, what shall we do with you?

The being said, let me try to sum up this movie before getting into specifics. It was, in the truest, most honest, all-encompassing way possible, epic. It was classic Michael Bay. No, it was more than that—it was Michael Bay at his over-the-top finest! I don’t even want to THINK about the budget for special effects that Bay had. Honestly, I’m sure that he could have funded at least two other films on that budget alone. Okay. I exaggerate, but not by that much. Long story short, when Michael Bay said that it was not his intent to make this last movie bigger than the last—he was right. It WAS his intention to make this movie bigger and more spectacular than any movie ever made and I must say that he must have made the top 5. Top 10 if nothing else because this movie was just—

BOOMEXPLODEWOOSHVROOOMBOOMAWESOMEBOOMEPIC.

Yeah. That about sums it up.

The good (McBaddie, Sam Whitwicky, the new chick, music, Leonard Nemoy, deaths), the bad (tertiary characters, physics, the moon), and the awesome (Conspiracy theories! Robots! Robot fights! Cinematography! Cars!).

Blast you, Michael Bay. You simply created too much for me to talk about!

The Good:

So, I remembered reading that Patrick Dempsey was in the film as some boss/dad/character guy and when I see him at the start of the film I'm thinking that he's going to be some sort of rival or minor annoyance, but when he comes out mid-film as working for the Decepticons, threatens the girl, slaps Sam (really? Slaps? I would have had him slug him.), and reveals just how devious he is--I was impressed and surprised. I hadn't see that coming. At all. Mind you, I wasn't looking for it or anything like it in this movie. Betrayals are things I'm not looking for in a Michael Bay movie, but I am pleasantly surprised when I find them. He then turned into a self-serving, silly dork who got a little whiny and a little slimy. Meh. But even so, I liked him and enjoyed his debut  as a bad guy. Very good, McDreamy. Keep the villainy coming, sir. 

I liked Sam. I know that Shia LaBeouf isn't a great actor, but I liked him. He was touching, funny, snarky, cute, and a bit more...edgy, darker, feistier than before. I mean, he killed McDreamy! He hit him over the head with a pole! He took on a commando and almost pinned him! Seriously. I thought it was great. He is a fun character to watch and he grew up a bit in this movie. He was older. There was one shot mid-film where he literally aged 10 years. I'll get to that in "The Awesome." Still, despite the fact that he aged, he was still wonderfully funny and a tad dorky. The bit where Bumblebee transforms with him and in it and then re-transforms around him ending with Sam sitting back in the Camaro--genius. So terribly funny. 

So, as you may have noticed, Megan Fox is not in this movie. Oh, go cry me a river fan-boys. I like that she's not in it. I like the new one. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley as Carly was a great choice. I just looked her up on Wiki to get the name right (honestly, her name isn't quite as short or memorable as "Megan Fox") and realized that she was a Victoria Secret model. That's where she looked familiar from. That being said, all of the men who saw this film shouldn't be too disappointed that Megan Fox is gone. Oh darn. You got a Victoria Secret model replacing this chick with poofy lips. I feel so bad for you boys. All us girls get is Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, and McDreamy--what am I saying. Us girls got it made in this movie too. Enough about the superficial looks of this girl, let's actually talk about her character and acting. So, I wasn't actually too disappointed by her acting. So she won't win an Oscar, but no one in this movie will. I'm not looking for stellar acting in a Michael Bay movie; her acting wasn't horrendous. My only complaint really is that every time Bay got in for a close up she pouted her lips. A lot. It was annoying. Also, her character, Carly, is quite annoying. The fate of the world is in the balance, McDreamy is threatening to kill her is order to get Sam to betray his friends and what does she do? She begs Sam to save her. Really? You're more important than the world? I mean, he was going to save you anyway, so why bother asking. At least look like a hero and tell your boyfriend to do the right thing. Sigh. 

The music. I liked it. It was big, bombastic, a in keeping with the other movies. Mind though, I heard "Inception." The scene where the massive snake, monster thing is taking out the building that heroes are in totally sounded like the "Mombasa Suite" from Zimmer's "Inception." There were also a lot of foghorns. No matter. It was partially the music in this film that had me wanted to stand up and salute the flag. Heh. 

Now to what will be the logic section of the review. Just kidding. This is just the Leonard Nemoy paragraph. I loved him. My jaw dropped massively when he turned. It was one of those "OHMAHGAWSH, WHAT THE CRAP?!" sort of moments, if I may wax eloquent for a moment. Again, I'm not looking for this sort of stuff in a Michael Bay film, but I liked it. I also enjoyed  the"Star Trek" moments. "Amok Time" in the beginning (I only know that because I stayed to watch the credits!) and Sentinel Prime (ooh, quick question, wouldn't Optimus Prime be high ranking than Sentinel Prime? Forgive me, four years of Latin does that to people) quoting Spock. Yes. I rolled by eyes at the last one, but yes, I did laugh too. Leonard Nemoy as a bad guy is great. It was an interesting choice for him and it's one that I like it. 

So, a LOT of people died. Not just Ironhide ( I know, right?!), but a lot of people. It was dark. And the way they died. The weren't just shot, but sort of exploded and vaporized. It was...dark. Unexpectedly so and I was happily surprised by it. I also was surprised that Sam killed McDreamy. Very surprising. And then that Optimus killed Sentinel like that was surprising. I wouldn't have done that. I like my heroes a bit more noble, but it wasn't a bad move. A bold one, for sure, but a decent one. Good job, Michael Bay. 

The Bad:

Now, I usually go in the order from above, but I won't because  I'll have my least favorite part, the tertiary characters, for last. That being said, I think that Michael Bay may or may not ask God to suspend the laws of physics for him because he clearly either ignores them, thinks they don't exist, or think that don't apply to him, which, it would seem, they don't. And as much as I like a good action flick, I like some consistency more. The physics of this movie don't work. The gravity on the moon changed depending on the shot and I'm not sure, but I think that if a planet were to suddenly appear that close to earth, the gravitational situation of the planet would change drastically. Also. How and why do all the Decepticons get transported back to Cybertron after it's sort of, not really destroyed? Moreover, what happens to Cybertron? Does it just sit there? does it fall out of the sky? What? 

Actually, that covers both physics and the moon. On to the tertiary characters. Now, I'm not talking about the soldiers. Noooo. I am talking about Simmons, Wang, and the mother. You know when something happens and you sort of tense up? You become ridged and come close to seeing red? You feel like killing something maybe? Yeah. Every time either of those three characters opened their mouths or even existed--twitch. I feel a little bad, but when Wang died, I was...relieved. The tertiary characters were terribly annoying and unbearable. The movie would have been better without them.

The Awesome:

Conspiracy theories! Robot fights! Robots! Cinematography! Cars!

Anyone who appreciates a good conspiracy theory will just love this movie. Instead of going with the clichés of Area 51, Michael Bay went with another conspiracy theory, but one not as widely done in film: the moon landing. To top it off, he went to Chernobyl. Yep. According to the film, both as just cover-ups for alien tech and it’s wonderful. What’s better is that they got Buzz Aldrin to be in it! How crazy awesome is that? He actually chats with Optimus Prime. Yes, please.

Alright, let’s be honest. “Transformers” is known for three things: hot girls, hot cars, and epic robots. Two of them fall into the awesome category for good reason. So, let’s chat robots. If it’s possible, and I think it is, the robots were actually more awesome than in the last two movies. The moments when they transformed were focused on too much, over done, and the slow motion was a bit of over-kill on Bay’s part. But am I complaining? NO. It was AWESOME. Every time they transformed it was amazing—truly cool. I almost wish they’d done it more. And when they transformed at high speeds with people in them—ah. Michael Bay. What are we going to do with you?

That being said, the fights were EPIC. Honestly, I loved it. Every second of the robot fights were high-adrenaline, crazy fun. Lots of explosions, bullets, punches, crazy weapons—it was sick. So sick, it may have been ill.

Now, the fights wouldn’t have worked as well if Michael Bay hadn’t been very good about his highly stylized, but very enjoyable cinematography. I love his work. Yes, yes, it’s very MTV; yes, yes, it’s not high art; yes, yes, it is crazy stylized, but I like it and I’ll stand by that. I love that he does long tracking shots in the fights, keeping up with the robots. Makes the fights that much cooler. And the crazy angled shots from below with the robots—I rather enjoy it. My favorite shot though was when the Autobots “leave” and the shuttle gets destroyed mid-take off. The shot of Sam as he’s watching the debris fall from the sky aged him a solid 10 years. The character grew up in the shot as he realizes what he needed to do. My friend also pointed out to me how the colors of the shot, it’s a movie shot tacking and panning left I think, go from orange to blue signifying defeat. It was very nice.

But you know what was nicer? The cars. Specifically the Ferrari 458 Italia. Confession: I am not usually one for Italian sports cars being a huge fan of  70s muscle and Audi; however, when that 458 started to run—ooh. Yeah. That noise should be illegal, it’s so sexy. Also, the Mercedes SLS AMG—a personal favorite. And the Corvette concept car? Now, I don’t really like Corvettes. The back end had always been a big…square for me, but this new one—man, I do like it. The cars in this film were sexy and amazing and I loved them. Yay for cars!

Overall, it was a fantastic movie. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Will it win any Oscars? I should hope that the effects would obliterate the competition into smithereens, so yeah. It’ll win an Oscar, but only for the technical stuff. Was the acting great? Meh. The storyline? Not bad, but not amazingly inspiring either. The music? Fitting. The casting? It’s the third one, you’re sort of stuck at this point, but the new guys were great. The editing? Mostly good. Some small problems with where people were looking, but still good. The lighting? Yeah, good. Techincally the movie works well (or perhaps we’re all too busy ogling to pretty robots to care)—regardless it’s a wonderfully fun movie that I recommend seeing.

Grade: A for Awesome