The tl;dr version of the article is this: men who practice abstinence and talk about it end up in sexually unfulfilled marriages where they can't talk about sex and end up being unhappy about it. It's a gross over-simplification of the rather short article, so do read it. It's interesting.
I want to say that this article was respectful and it about went this with a more open mind than expected, so I'm pretty happy about that. But I didn't really like it. Forget that they come out saying that abstinence is bad--the issue for me is that they look at a group of guys who got sex wrong.
"[T]o these men, sex is both sacred and beastly...[The] respondents had been told, since they were young, that women were nonsexual. At the same time, these men had also been taught that their wives would be available for their pleasure. It’s a double standard that’s in line with longstanding cultural ideals of the relationship between femininity and purity."These are Christian guys, so I think it's same to assume the church taught them that.
These guys also felt upset because they
"could no longer reach out to their support networks due to their own ideals of masculinity. They had been promised a sacred gift: a sexually active, happy marriage. Yet many weren’t fully satisfied, as evidenced by the continued tension between the sacred and beastly. However, to open up about these continued struggles would be to admit failure as masculine, Christian man."Now, I'm really unqualified to actually speak to this, but what I keep hearing for godly, married people, pastors, my parents, and the Bible is that sex isn't a bad thing. It's not dirty, it's not shameful, it's not evil--it's a beautiful consummation of two peoples, both in body and soul that, in the context of marriage, is right and awesome in God's eyes. There's a whole book dedicated to it that, from what I understand, in the English translations is the G version of a much sexier book. It's certainly sacred, but I wouldn't say beastly.
I can't speak to how we as Christians should talk about sex in marriage. Women, we talk with our gal pals about it? Men, do you guys chat about it over beer? I have no idea. I figure that marriage couples should talk to each other about it, if something isn't right, yes? But honestly, I have no idea. I'll figure that out when I get there, but I figure that in some regards, talking is healthy, yeah?
Now, I could go on and on and ramble about my thoughts on the matter, but frankly, I think Tim Keller of Redeemer Presbyterian in New York explains my thoughts much better than I could. It's a 42-minute sermon, but it's beautiful and well worth a listen whether you're single, married, co-habitating, whatever.
But what I'm getting at is that I think these guys found sex to be unfulfilling because they came at it the wrong way. They were raised to think that it's a shameful, "beastly" thing, something good people can't talk about in marriage, and I don't think that's true. It's created by God which means it must be good. It also means it can, and has been, perverted. But just because sex has been perverted doesn't mean that when it's done the way God intended it to be, that it's bad.
What is harmful about abstinence is when we think sex is "beastly." I think that when we see sex as something beautiful, sacred, good, and from God and go into abstinence wanting to to honor God, our spouse, and sex the way God created it to be that while abstinence will be hard, that it will be worth it. I'm not saying that sex inside marriage will be perfect--from what I've heard that's not the case, but I think that it can be, should be, and is fulfilling when done the right and God honoring way.
Sorry if this has been awkward, but as I walked away from my computer to make lunch, these thoughts stuck with me and I felt like sharing them.
Cheers.
wow. I've never had the right term for it but that fits how I view sex; sacred and beastly.
ReplyDeleteI know, that I know, that I know. That sex is meant to be within the confines of marriage, and it brings the two people together as one, it's meant to be enjoyable in that way, and it produces kids (duh). However, because of my...past, I also have the conflicted view that it's evil or beastly; as they put it. Any enemy that likes to haunt with shameful memories, and cold words even if I just look at a person and think they're nice too look at or when I might have an interest in a person but can't bring myself to say something about it. (as weird as it may sound) I am terrified that the lust beast will take over and that I wouldn't know how to be in a relationship where the guy is interested in me and not just interested in pleasuring the both of us or just himself. [That sounded totally awkward I apologize].
Travis, for instance. Freakin' terrified and mesmerized me. Though of course B.F., finance, and now husband to Kristen. He would take time out to ask me how I'm doing. And genuinely mean it. He would say I'll pray for you and genuinely do so. I'm used to keeping my defenses raised when I'm out, when I'm working in a group with guys, when a guy tries to approach me. My automatic thought is what do you want? and What are you after? But with him, it literally scared the crap out of me that he genuinely cared about me as a person, that there was no mischievousness going on in the back of his mind, that he honestly felt for me when I told him about whatever going on, that he helped me move once and never awkwardly made a move and maintained a distance. He demonstrated Christ's love in a way, to me, that was totally nonthreatening. And it freaked me out that I actually believed him. Believed he had no other motive with me or any of my friends. Literally, that's the first time that's ever happened. That love could be terrifyingly pure and genuine and yet make me feel secure and comfortable to be vulnerability. I don't even think I had viewed Christ's love like that before. For whatever reason. I hope I find that quality in a man one day.
Back to the article. I think for some of us, who are striving to maintain purity. The opposite of the purity automatically takes a stance as bad or ungodly. In addition, at least for myself, I am scared about being in marriage and thinking that the husband may want to have sex during times I won't. And wondering will he dominate/threaten? Will he expect me to be submissive? In the context of marriage do I still retain the 'right' to say no?
I think the real "evil" that is hidden under here and not addressed is lust. Not sex. But lust in and of itself. The desire of love is to give. The desire of lust is to get.-as found on pinterest. Are the married guys loving or lusting? Same with women are you loving or lusting? It's a hard thing to fight, lust, but I tell you. You will have a lot less heart-ache, a lot less guilt, a lot less shame, and a lot less problems in general if you are in the practice of staying pure till marriage. You may have some reservations, or none, as you enter marriage and have to work that out with your spouse but at least you wont have baggage you come into the union clean with nothing to hide or discuss. Don't accept promiscuity as a norm but see it as rebellion from truth, unity, and overall wholeness.
~I may have ranted far too long. For that I apologize.
I totally understand. I have those same sort of fears, but I have to trust in Christ. He is for my good and not my harm. And totally: purity is hard, and Lord knows I've not been perfect, but despite my imperfection, my struggle, I know that I have victory in Christ. Granted, I only know that because I've been to the bottom and surrounded by the unfathomable love of Christ. If you want a beautiful, sexy, glorious, honest, wonderful view of marriage, I highly suggest the Tim Keller sermon. It's simply beautiful. It changed my view of sex into something not just sacred, but holy and wonderful and God-honoring.
DeleteAnd lust is totally an issue. You can lust in marriage. But wanting to have sex with your spouse--I don't think that's lust. I think that's healthy. It'd be weird if you didn't want to have sex with them since it is a vital part of marriage. If you type in "lust" on google, the little snippets of the articles, even Urban Dictionary, indicate that it's not so much about sex, but about an all-consuming desire for something. Sex is an easy thing to lust after, but you can lust after anything. If something is all-consuming in your thoughts, you're lusting to some extent. The only thing that should consume with an all-powerful desire that goes deep into our soul is God.
It was pointed out to me by two godly women who I respect deeply that this article misses a huge point about sex: we think it'll solve our issues. We think that we'll find fulfillment in it either sexually or emotionally and we can't. We will always have those problems. The only cure for lust or emotional longing is found is the love of Christ.
Hope that helps. I'll be praying for you.